The "subtle" effects of steroids...
We all remember those days of health class when we were taught about the effects of drugs on your body. Now, if you knew me in high school, you'd know that no matter how tough I tried to be at various developmental stages of my psyche, I was a good kid. Despite my near-arrest in 10th grade for having a billy club hidden in my truck (another thank you to our assistant principal for allowing me to call my dad before they slapped on the cuffs for that misunderstanding), or my three car accidents (aka: 1 wreck and 2 minor mishaps), I stayed out of trouble and away from drugs.
Now, I'm afraid I can say that I know what our health teacher meant by the term "roid" raging. And while prednisone is no where near the same as shooting up before hitting the gym, I'm starting to see what those health books were talking about. So let's just have a moment of truth...
First of all, body image is a complicated thing. When you tell someone who has struggled with weight and body concept her entire life that these medications will change "body fat composition", causing things like weight gain, water retention, swelling, moon face, and a LOVELY feature called a "buffalo hump", you have to be prepared for the fallout. At the beginning, it all seemed so silly. After all, I'm fighting for my life. Who cares if my hair falls out or my face gets puffy? Those are small things! For the first month or so, I was able to believe that with a good haircut, a bright smile, and a coat of lipstick, I could power through having my appearance wrecked.
The power that medication has on the body amazes me. In a short 2 1/2 months, my pear shaped body has morphed into some other strange fruit shape. I wouldn't say I'm quite apple, since there's still enough hip and thigh to qualify as pear. It's more like parts of the pear have shifted to one side, sort of like a piece of fruit that has been left laying in a bowl for too long and got kind of flat and mushy on one side. I used to publicly berate my pear shape, loathing my full rear and hips. Now, I feel like everything has moved to my stomach (which is NOT a good look) and my upper back. At least a pair was a shape! It had some curve and femininity!
My doctor describes the prednisone body shape as a "lemon on toothpicks". Nice! My favorite aspect is the "buffalo hump". What an awful title! The only upside is that I do have a nice fleshy head-rest built into my upper back now. So, if I ever need a nap, I can either roll my head forward to rest on one of my new moon face chins (I think I'm up to 2 now), or I can roll my head backward to rest on the lump of flesh that has appeared between my shoulder blades.
The funny thing about it is that I totally get the "buffalo" title. Not only is it appropriate for the placement of this new lump of flesh, but it also seems to carry appropriate sound effects. When I think of the sound a buffalo makes, I imagine a loud groaning growl emanating from deep within one's being. And that's pretty much how steroids make you feel. There are moments when my mind seems to separate from my body, and I feel myself floating over myself, watching the crazy lady below who is screaming and shaking. From the moment I take my meds in the morning until I go to sleep, I'm vibrating and jittery. My heart races, and I swear there are times I can feel my blood boil.
I've never been a big drinker, and I have never done drugs. I don't like the feeling of losing control. That's the crazy thing with these meds. It's a constant circus in my body, and I'm always trying to monitor the side effects. I'm feeling nauseous from the chemo, so I drink a little milk or have a snack. The prednisone is making me jittery, so it's time for some fruit. Oh and the taste.... sickeningly sweet metal pennies in my mouth constantly. My students and I have jokes about my "kidney candy", because they know I need to have a mint or something to keep sane.
Yesterday, though, was the highlight. One of the other joyful side effects of prednisone is increased facial hair growth. I knew I needed an eyebrow wax, and my lip was feeling a little fuzzy, so I stopped in at a nail salon for a touch-up. As I lay down on the table, the sweet girl looked at me closely and said "Would you like me to wax your sideburns too?" I nearly fell off the table. I silently nodded and closed my eyes, telling her to remove anything that made me look like a man. $23.00 and 10 minutes later, I walked out, newly waxed, and actually feeling like a woman again. She showed me the used wax strips, and let's just say... that girl took one for the team and knew what needed to be done. Thank goodness Sidney had the guts to admit what I couldn't tell myself.
Now I don't say all this to evoke any kind of sympathy or anything, and I'm not belittling myself in hopes of grand compliments or words of encouragement. I do fully realize that these are all side effects of medications, and that when the medications are tapered off, my body will return to status quo. I say it because it's truth. And, I think, it's kinda funny. The fact is, some crazy things are happening within my body right now. I'm taking medicine that is literally poisoning me, killing my cells and forcing my body to stop protecting itself. I just love the irony. Even though I'm not what I would consider to be a vain person, after 32 years of obsessing over every dimple on my thighs and worrying about the freckles on my cheeks or the flab on my arms, a short 2 1/2 months on medications has completely changed the relationship I have with my body. There are days when my face feels so swollen that I want to rip my cheeks off, or I actually entertain the idea of using leeches to see if that might work. But for the most part, I'm taking it in stride. It stinks... truly, to have your body feel like it's being taken over by alien forces beyond your control, but at least in the meantime, I have a reason to speak bluntly - Sorry, did I say that out loud? That must be the steroids talking... - and a place to lay my head - Buffalo hump pillow anyone?
Now if only I could get control of that roid road rage...
Now, I'm afraid I can say that I know what our health teacher meant by the term "roid" raging. And while prednisone is no where near the same as shooting up before hitting the gym, I'm starting to see what those health books were talking about. So let's just have a moment of truth...
First of all, body image is a complicated thing. When you tell someone who has struggled with weight and body concept her entire life that these medications will change "body fat composition", causing things like weight gain, water retention, swelling, moon face, and a LOVELY feature called a "buffalo hump", you have to be prepared for the fallout. At the beginning, it all seemed so silly. After all, I'm fighting for my life. Who cares if my hair falls out or my face gets puffy? Those are small things! For the first month or so, I was able to believe that with a good haircut, a bright smile, and a coat of lipstick, I could power through having my appearance wrecked.
The power that medication has on the body amazes me. In a short 2 1/2 months, my pear shaped body has morphed into some other strange fruit shape. I wouldn't say I'm quite apple, since there's still enough hip and thigh to qualify as pear. It's more like parts of the pear have shifted to one side, sort of like a piece of fruit that has been left laying in a bowl for too long and got kind of flat and mushy on one side. I used to publicly berate my pear shape, loathing my full rear and hips. Now, I feel like everything has moved to my stomach (which is NOT a good look) and my upper back. At least a pair was a shape! It had some curve and femininity!
My doctor describes the prednisone body shape as a "lemon on toothpicks". Nice! My favorite aspect is the "buffalo hump". What an awful title! The only upside is that I do have a nice fleshy head-rest built into my upper back now. So, if I ever need a nap, I can either roll my head forward to rest on one of my new moon face chins (I think I'm up to 2 now), or I can roll my head backward to rest on the lump of flesh that has appeared between my shoulder blades.
The funny thing about it is that I totally get the "buffalo" title. Not only is it appropriate for the placement of this new lump of flesh, but it also seems to carry appropriate sound effects. When I think of the sound a buffalo makes, I imagine a loud groaning growl emanating from deep within one's being. And that's pretty much how steroids make you feel. There are moments when my mind seems to separate from my body, and I feel myself floating over myself, watching the crazy lady below who is screaming and shaking. From the moment I take my meds in the morning until I go to sleep, I'm vibrating and jittery. My heart races, and I swear there are times I can feel my blood boil.
I've never been a big drinker, and I have never done drugs. I don't like the feeling of losing control. That's the crazy thing with these meds. It's a constant circus in my body, and I'm always trying to monitor the side effects. I'm feeling nauseous from the chemo, so I drink a little milk or have a snack. The prednisone is making me jittery, so it's time for some fruit. Oh and the taste.... sickeningly sweet metal pennies in my mouth constantly. My students and I have jokes about my "kidney candy", because they know I need to have a mint or something to keep sane.
Yesterday, though, was the highlight. One of the other joyful side effects of prednisone is increased facial hair growth. I knew I needed an eyebrow wax, and my lip was feeling a little fuzzy, so I stopped in at a nail salon for a touch-up. As I lay down on the table, the sweet girl looked at me closely and said "Would you like me to wax your sideburns too?" I nearly fell off the table. I silently nodded and closed my eyes, telling her to remove anything that made me look like a man. $23.00 and 10 minutes later, I walked out, newly waxed, and actually feeling like a woman again. She showed me the used wax strips, and let's just say... that girl took one for the team and knew what needed to be done. Thank goodness Sidney had the guts to admit what I couldn't tell myself.
Now I don't say all this to evoke any kind of sympathy or anything, and I'm not belittling myself in hopes of grand compliments or words of encouragement. I do fully realize that these are all side effects of medications, and that when the medications are tapered off, my body will return to status quo. I say it because it's truth. And, I think, it's kinda funny. The fact is, some crazy things are happening within my body right now. I'm taking medicine that is literally poisoning me, killing my cells and forcing my body to stop protecting itself. I just love the irony. Even though I'm not what I would consider to be a vain person, after 32 years of obsessing over every dimple on my thighs and worrying about the freckles on my cheeks or the flab on my arms, a short 2 1/2 months on medications has completely changed the relationship I have with my body. There are days when my face feels so swollen that I want to rip my cheeks off, or I actually entertain the idea of using leeches to see if that might work. But for the most part, I'm taking it in stride. It stinks... truly, to have your body feel like it's being taken over by alien forces beyond your control, but at least in the meantime, I have a reason to speak bluntly - Sorry, did I say that out loud? That must be the steroids talking... - and a place to lay my head - Buffalo hump pillow anyone?
Now if only I could get control of that roid road rage...
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