Along for the Ride

Since all this transplant business has started, I've had several people ask me how I'm feeling about everything.  I figured this week was a good week to tackle that topic. The short answer is... overwhelmed. Earlier this week, Mike was out bowling with his buddies, and I was home alone. I knew my mind was reeling, so I decided to distract myself with a chick flick on Netflix, but as soon as the ending credits began to roll, my mind quickly returned to its looping cycles of anxious thoughts.  So I called my mom. That's what every grown woman does during times of stress, right? Anyway, I cried. For the first time, I let it all out. My fears, my anxieties, and my emotions. So you might be wondering... But why are you crying? Aren't you happy?  You're getting close to getting a transplant! OF COURSE I am! I'm ecstatic!!! But there's also fear. I fear letting people down. I fear getting some terrible news or results from some test. I fear complications du...

I've been pondering how to write this post for a few days.  I learned long ago that - when I'm confronted with difficulty - I tend to focus on logistics and organization as a way to calm myself and deal with my emotions. Well, today I decided to dig in and talk about the elephant in the room: how I'm feeling.  Since my last post was primarily the "nuts and bolts" of the transplant, I thought I should now devote a little time to the circus that has been playing in my head in recent weeks. Right after I got the call about applying for transplant, I found myself oscillating between ecstasy and fear.  Of course I was excited to reach this next stage in my journey.  After all, I've been working for years to be a candidate for transplant. But I also felt trepidation.  See, I've been doing pretty well over these last few years.  Sure, dialysis is a total pain, but we humans are resilient beings.  We can adjust to anything.  I also recently saw an a...

In recent years, I've been developing a more "wholistic" view of life. I've seen an interconnectedness in life and nature that I don't think I realized existed before. In my explorations with relgion and spirituality, I found a connection between body, mind, and spirit, that I think can be very powerful. Now that I'm dealing with this new challenge - the whole "being sick" thing - I find that the connection between those seemingly different aspects of my being are even more important. The thing that is tricky is that this illness is autoimmune. So, by definition, my body is attacking itself. It's a strange concept. Here I am, attempting to do right by my body - ingest whole and organic foods, quiet and still my mind, meditate and center my soul - all in an attempt to get my body to love itself again. When you get a cold or a virus, it's realatively easy to imagine this vile "intruder" in your body. I've known cancer sur...

I've been struggling with writing this entry for a while. I knew I wanted to write about it, but I wasn't quite sure how or when I'd be ready. I'm actually thinking that it might be sort of anti-climatic now. Kind of like that day my brother delivered the Girl Scout cookies to work. I literally thought about the box of Thin Mints under my desk all day long. By 7th period, I could practically taste them. I had waited for so long that I was anxious to taste just 1... but a serving size was 4, so I had to get all 4 (of course). The first bite, my heart was ready to sing! I was yearning for that annual treat of minty chocolate goodness coated in the thin coating of sublime bliss. But it tasted a little.... well.... bland. And dry... I thought, OK, this is just because I built it up in my head too much. The second cookie will bring me that moment of sheer joy. But it was cakey and got stuck in my teeth. Disappointing. I half-heartedly finished the other two cookies, closed t...

In recent weeks, I've been thinking about ways that I could help myself "get happy". I think dealing with any kind of chronic illness or ongoing stress can cause us all to get a little bleary-eyed and tired from time to time, so over the last few weeks, I've been sort of cataloging a list in my mind of little tricks that make me happy. Anytime I feel that things are slipping out of my control - whether it's from the uncertainty of a medical prognosis, the unknowns of future job and financial situations, or general "blahs" from life - these are little tricks that seem to help me keep my chin up. While I would love to say that I'm able to maintain a Zen-like level of calm at all times, meditating on things as they occur, sometimes I just need some distractions to keep that spring in my step. I'm always looking for more great ideas, so please feel free to comment with your own "get happy" tricks! 1. Take a walk outside. Even 10-15 m...

This morning we had a meeting at work to discuss - among other things - school finance. Topics on the agenda included an upcoming reduction in force and the fact that teachers won’t be getting raises. Add in a sure-fire increase in medical premiums, and I suppose I can actually look forward to making less next year than this year. Normally, this information would have incensed me. I would have left the meeting riled up and ready for a fight, yapping off the ears of anyone unfortunate enough to come in my path with my frustrations about not being taken seriously and the dangers to the public education system. While I’m certainly not at the point of apathy, I found myself filled with a certain level of calm. I immediately starting thinking… “I have a job. It’s a secure job. Someone has to teach the kids. Mike has a job. We have health insurance. We have a roof over our heads. We have food to eat, clothes to wear, and people who love us.” Then I looked at my arms and actual...

Lately I've been doing some thinking about friendship and how it fits with my spirituality and lifestyle. The last few years, I have developed some fantastic friendships with some amazing people. A couple of weeks ago, we hosted an early Thanksgiving dinner, and I was listening in on the conversations of our guests. I was so impressed with the intelligence and wit of the people in the room. When my husband and I were recapping the evening the next day, we both commented about how nice it was to share an evening with people who could engage in civil conversations about politics and religion. I started thinking about my definition of friendship and evaluating the relationships I have in my life. I've never been one to have many friends, but the friends I do have are very close. For that reason, I would much rather have 1 or 2 friends with whom I can really connect than a whole group of people who barely know me. I was recently reminded of the value of boundaries, particularly w...

As we near the end of July 2010, I feel compelled to reflect over the past year. I realize that it seems a bit strange to reflect in July. After all, January is typically the month for reflection and resolutions. But for us, July holds an important meaning. In July of 2009, my husband was laid off from his job as a graphic designer. The recession we had heard about and seen shaking our community suddenly became very personal. We found ourselves "shocked and awed" by the economy and job market, and that experience has led us to a year of greater enlightenment, personal growth, and understanding about ourselves, our marriage, and our beliefs. I suppose I should back up and start by explaining a few things. My husband had been through layoffs before – several, in fact. Layoffs are part and parcel of working in the IT field, which he had done for years. He had always been able to find a new job quickly. His resume is impressive, and he has a very broad set of skills...