#kickingsick

The other day during a diversity training at work, we were asked to make a bubble map of all the different groups in which we see ourselves. Among terms like woman, wife, friend, teacher, and childfree was one word that seemed to jump out - sick.

The colleague sitting next to me was my shoulder-partner for sharing time.  She looked over my paper, nodding gently as she read each word.  When her eyes fell upon that word, she paused and looked up at me.  "Do you really see yourself this way?"  Her finger hovered over the word. Her expression conveyed gentle curiosity without an ounce of judgment. At that moment, I realized that yes...I do see myself that way. She nodded slowly, and the training continued.

Although nothing else was mentioned about that word that day, my mind has been circling around this concept of sickness. For the last thirteen years, a large percentage of my time has been spent diagnosing, treating, and managing chronic illness. At times when I felt my body was fighting my spirit, it was difficult to honor and love myself.

Now, with a new kidney on board, my body seems to be happy. My labs are in value, and I feel much better physically. However, a transplant isn't a magic bullet. The medications and side effects from treatment have left their mark in muscle atrophy, osteoporosis, menopause, cataracts, hyperparathyroidism, and calcifications in my lungs and blood vessels.

But even more than the physical scars is the mental fallout. The image I have of myself in my mind is weak, physically unstable, and "sick". Western medicine is terrific at managing the physical symptoms associated with chronic illness, but my mental health is still in need of some triage.

I've been researching some about recovery from chronic illness, and I'm relieved to discover that I'm certainly not alone. Like any traumatic experience, continued, long-term illness causes our thoughts to be rewired. Now that the physical issues of my autoimmune disease are managed, I have to turn my focus inward and really begin to unpack the anxiety, neuroses, and fear that have taken up residence in my mind. I've realized that the only thing standing in my way now is myself. As long as I see myself as a "sick" person, I will continue to hold myself back.

By shirking this image of myself and shifting my mindset to envision myself as strong, resilient, and capable, I know that my muscle strength will return. Even if I can only do 25 squats at a time, I have to be patient with myself and keep putting one foot in front of the other. And when people ask me how I'm doing, I have to recognize that they are asking about me, not just my lab values.

This is a shift to a whole new way of thinking, but if I can free myself from the mental shackles of chronic pain and illness, I know that I can rebuild my self-identity.  For years, my primary goal was diagnosis...then treatment...then transplant...then preserving the transplant and avoiding rejection.  Now, my primary goal needs to shift to #kickingsick and reframing my self-identify to that of a capable, strong, resilient person. It's time I get out of my own way and get my mind and body to connect so I can cross that term out of my bubble map and leave more space for living a life of wellness, not sickness.