Zen and Friends

Lately I've been doing some thinking about friendship and how it fits with my spirituality and lifestyle. The last few years, I have developed some fantastic friendships with some amazing people. A couple of weeks ago, we hosted an early Thanksgiving dinner, and I was listening in on the conversations of our guests. I was so impressed with the intelligence and wit of the people in the room. When my husband and I were recapping the evening the next day, we both commented about how nice it was to share an evening with people who could engage in civil conversations about politics and religion. I started thinking about my definition of friendship and evaluating the relationships I have in my life. I've never been one to have many friends, but the friends I do have are very close. For that reason, I would much rather have 1 or 2 friends with whom I can really connect than a whole group of people who barely know me.

I was recently reminded of the value of boundaries, particularly with colleagues who are also friends. I took a step back to reevaluate my relationships with others, and I've realized that I need to surround myself with people who understand and can appreciate the way I see the world. Friendships that require an immense amount of energy can be exhausting. When interacting with those individuals, I find myself constantly thinking about what I'm saying, how I'm saying it, and how it might be interpreted. I'd much rather spend my time nurturing my relationships with friends I can share and talk easily with. There's no forethought or analysis... just friendship. Those are the relationships worth maintaining.

I recently found a fabulous article titled "The Zen and the Art of Friendship" online. The article contains a Zen Koan that I fell in love with:

We cannot choose,
Our parents
Our family
Our genetics
Our universe
And sometimes even our lives;
But we can choose,
Our friends.

Yet, even with the freedom to choose
We sometimes bind ourselves;
We trap ourselves
In what we think is right
To what is really wrong.
We choose without wisdom
We choose to be accepted
And in the search for approval
We lose the closest of friends;
We lose ourselves.

We become what we are not
In order to become what we think we should
We do what we should not
In order to be with whom we think is right
All the while becoming what we are not.

We can choose our thoughts of friends,
We think of them as this
We think of them as that
But perhaps our thoughts betray us,
And they are not friends at all.

True friendship is not mimicking deeds,
True friendship lies in acceptance
In forgiving
In compassion
In camaraderie
In trust
In sacrifice.
Without these
We have no friendship
We have only acquaintance
We can choose our friends.
We must choose wisely,
Either extend ourselves in truth
Or lose ourselves in illusion.

© 2007 No Mind Publishing, Paul Harrison aka Master Nomi

This passage really spoke to me, and I've decided to focus on the relationships I have with the true kindred spirits I've found in this world. Already, my shoulders feel lighter and my mind is calmer.

Namaste.

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